Not only do Republicans enjoy better mental health, they also have better sex, make more money...

...and are less likely to fake orgasms.

More arguments to be a Republican
By Christopher Cook

Yesterday, Gallup reported that Republicans Report Much Better Mental Health Than Others.

Well golly, we could have told ya that!

Seriously, this should come as no surprise. Democrats are more likely to feel uneasy about issues, to deem themselves to be victims of something, and to be hysterical about apocalyptic environmental scenarios. Needless to say, these things will cause a greater degree of mental instability.

On the other hand, Republicans are more likely to be married, attend church, be employed, and a whole host of other factors, all of which are indicative of and will likely contribute to a greater feeling of mental stability.

We'll get back to the Gallup survey in a moment, but first, let's recall that this is just another in a long string of surveys that justify the belief that being a Republican makes for a better life.

Oct 18th, 2004:

Republicans more satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats:

Of those involved in a committed relationship, who is very satisfied with their relationship?
Republicans -- 87 percent; Democrats -- 76 percent

Who is very satisfied with their sex life?
Republicans -- 56 percent; Democrats -- 47 percent

The poll analysis also reveals who has worn something sexy to enhance their sex life:
Republicans -- 72 percent; Democrats -- 62 percent

When asked whether they had ever faked an orgasm, more Democrats (33 percent) than Republicans (26 percent) said they had.

Among the factors that impact the survey results is that more men identify themselves as Republicans and men are more likely to say they are sexually satisfied and enjoy sex "a great deal." Also, Democrats are more likely to be women; and the poll results show that women are more likely to fake orgasms.

They mention the notion that women are more likely to be Democrats, and that that may skew the results. However, look at the disparity in people who have "worn something sexy to enhance their sex life." Men don't do that: women do.

Besides, there is not as much of a gender gap as is generally portrayed. What there is is a marriage gap, and therein lies a potential answer:

Marriage provides couples with myriad benefits, and only a small number of drawbacks. All in all, it's a great deal. This applies to sex inside marriage as well. Sure, there may be some disadvantages, but the benefits definitely outweigh the drawbacks. Among these benefits are...

1. Access to sexual possibilities at (virtually) any time.

Single people like to imagine that they have more sex, but they do not. Most single people spend their time HUNTING for sex—or for the person with whom they'd like to explore the possibility—not actually having it. Sure, that lead-up to and moment of actually finding that person and having that sex can be very thrilling, but it doesn't occur with the frequency that many imagine, or that the movies might like to portray.

By contrast, sex inside marriage may be at risk of becoming routine, but it is waaaayy more regular.

2. Repeated sex over time with one person creates intimacy on levels not usually attained by singles.

This one should be obvious. In marriage, you get to know your partner really, really well. This creates levels of closeness that are hard to attain in most single-life sexual scenarios. Singles enjoy a measure of "newness," but they are far less likely to enjoy the levels of closeness that can only be attained over long periods of intimate contact.

3. Repeated sex over time with one person enhances skills and allows for freer enjoyment.

This one, too, should be relatively self-evident. Basically, practice makes perfect. More sex allows for more practice. Intimacy allows for freedom and experimentation. Trust developed over years creates a climate where enjoyment becomes paramount, and insecurities and fears are minimized.

Looking at these three items, you see a good argument for sex inside marriage being, on the whole, a better deal than the sexual life of singles. But there's another indicator herein:

Sex inside marriage, for the reasons stated above, makes female orgasm far more likely.

The female orgasm is more complex than the male, and it has more requirements. Marriage creates a climate that is far more favorable to meeting those requirements.

Married women are more likely to be Republican. Thus, Republicans are more likely to have orgasms, therefore, Republicans are less likely to fake orgasm. Moreover, the attainment of orgasm is an important factor is sexual satisfaction. This would explain the greater numbers of Republicans reporting more satisfaction with their sex lives: more orgasms leads to more satisfaction.

So, in addition to all the other benefits that we know about marriage—married people live longer, make more money, have better health, enjoy more happiness and satisfaction—we have yet one more: better sex, and more orgasms.

It all adds up to a strong argument for getting/being/staying married.

And, as we've been learning, there are also strong arguments for becoming/being/staying a Republican. Let us not forget that Republicans are more likely to...

be happier, graduate from college, earn more money, and marry and have children

...than Democrats or independents!

It was good sense and the grace of God that got me into the GOP...and it's good ideas—and apparently, a whole host of other perquisites—that keep me here!

Okay, back to the Gallup report.

Here are a crucial few paragraphs:

The differences are quite significant, as can be seen. While Democrats are slightly less likely to report excellent mental health than are independents, the big distinctions in these data are the differences between Republicans and everyone else.

One could be quick to assume that these differences are based on the underlying demographic and socioeconomic patterns related to party identification in America today. A recent Gallup report (see "Strong Relationship Between Income and Mental Health" in Related Items) reviewed these mental health data more generally, and found that men, those with higher incomes, those with higher education levels, and whites are more likely than others to report excellent mental health. Some of these patterns describe characteristics of Republicans, of course.

But an analysis of the relationship between party identification and self-reported excellent mental health within various categories of age, gender, church attendance, income, education, and other variables shows that the basic pattern persists regardless of these characteristics. In other words, party identification appears to have an independent effect on mental health even when each of these is controlled for.

As Medved astutely pointed out yesterday when reporting this survey, this is Republicans and Democrats we're talking about, not conservatives and liberals. That is suggestive of several things:

First, people who identify as Republicans tend to be more "mainstream" (for lack of a better term) than people who identify as conservative without also identifying as Republicans. This mainstream positioning probably allows for more of a sense of belonging, and less of an unhappiness- and instability-inducing feeling of mistrust and alienation.**

Second, and most interestingly...the mental health benefits that are apparently enjoyed by the mainstream nature of Republican party identification do not accrue to Democratic party affiliation. One might think that the sense of belonging, and lack of an unhappiness- and instability-inducing feeling of mistrust and alienation might also be enjoyed by Democratic Party-identifiers in greater measure over their ideological brethren who do not self-identify as Democrats. Apparently, that does not hold on the left side of the spectrum.

This is slightly convoluted, but what it tells us is actually quite simple: people who are Democrats are simply not as likely to be "mainstream" as people who are Republicans. The Democratic Party has a larger percentage of "wackiness" within it. It is in the thrall of the extreme left far more that the Republicans are of the extreme right. We see this in politics, and now, it appears that we see this on a personal level as well.

And that, along with everything else herein, comes as absolutely no surprise to me.

**No offense meant to my conservative brethren who do not also identify as Republican. We share an ideology, but I really would like it if y'all would also join me in Republican party identification: together, we can make the GOP even better!